Vicious Cycles..

My dearest once one and only,

I started to write this book not too long ago, a book of love and
complete happiness, right before all of it came crashing down right on
top of me. Every word, every letter of every single sentence made it
all clear to me. It sounds so silly to me now how much I believed in
all the lies you whispered softly to me which such ease, with no
compassion for my little poor heart that you have already half broken
and once tore apart. And there I was, so big and so strong defending
every word u ever spoke and thinking so highly of the future that
seemed so clear to me at that one point. How I wish I could see it
now. It really hurts me, like thousand stones crushing down at me,
from all the enemies I once thought were ours and how you played your
field so very precise, to the tinniest bit of detail, never once
stopping to think of how you made me feel. It all became too evident to
me the day I heard the sound of it all, the day I realized what you
have really put me through. Something I will never forgive you for.
Its hard you know, feeling this way, and you not being there to hold
me and with your lies whispering all my fears away. For a second, I
have to remind myself that I am still alive, still breathing. It feels
like this big hole has been ripped right through my chest, right above
my stomach causing me to feel sick, on the side of my lungs causing me
to stop breathing and right next to my heart, that I am not even sure
is really there anymore. Nights like these, I have to clench onto my
sides just to make sure to keep myself together, to make sure my
restless body is still in tact. I still sometimes have to stop for a
second and feel my chest just to make sure there is something beating
in there, to make sure I am still here. I still sometimes have to
stand next to a window and breathe deep into it just to make sure it
fogs up from my breath that seems too hard to get out. I still
sometimes have to stand next to a mirror, a hardest one of them all,
and make sure I have not completely waisted all of me on you. And
after all has been said and done, our goodbyes said and our futures
altered, I still congratulate you on how well you played and at least
in something you got first place. And after I make sure I am still
here, beating, breathing and alive, I still wish you no harm ever in
your life that I so perfectly pictured just for us. And so my Dearest,
the book ended just a couple pages too early as the flames that burned
the rest of them are still haunting my every waking hour and every
sleepless night. So goodbye for once and for all, in the end even the
best of us fall.

Your once one and only,
Me

Insecurities....

I have always been secure in knowing who I am, but I have noticed that a little of it has been slipping away. I let a lot of things people do or say affect me in a negative way. I have never been the one to just "brush it" all away. I linger and hold on to every word that hurts me until my fingers are tired and bleeding from trying so hard to hold on to things that in others peoples realities just don't matter at all. It all matters to me.

As usual, this was triggered by a TV show I watched on self esteem and self worth. One of the hosts of this show said that most people who have insecurities are usually the loudest, most annoying ones in the room, and they are usually the ones that spend a lot of their time putting others down, finding ways to hurt them. It is not because they really hate that person, it is because for the second that they make them feel inferior they feel better about themselves. A lot of people do to others what they are most scared will happen to them. It all makes sense, because the one loud person in the room that screams and says "I don't care what people say (aka saying look at me look at me) all I care about is this and that" are waisting so much time attracting attention to themselves, all because they feel like if they didn't do that, they would get none at all.

It drives me crazy to see how insane the human mind is. We feel things that are "out of our control", we let others tear us down. It is silly to see how much we plot our next moves, what we are going to say, how we are going to act, look, and we become so good at hiding what is actually going on. Until one day, it becomes too much, a person we love leaves, we loose a good friend, and it is never because of things we said, it is almost always because of the things that we DIDN'T say, things that we could have done but DIDN'T do, because in our minds the scenario that we made up of what would have happened if we said those things, are in the end just that, scenarios.

It all comes down to confidence, it all comes down to what do we really know, and how do we feel about ourselves. How secure we are with the person we are. We are constantly as people trying to measure up to something bigger and better, something we in our minds have conceived as perfection.

It is sad to see little girls that have so many issues and problems because of what TV or magazines what them to be. It is sad to see men trying to be that perfect balance between macho manly and sweetly seductive provider because of how high the stakes are. Nobody is perfect, we all say that, we all know that, but why do we always look up to be that PERFECT someone, and become so insecure in what we truly are, instead of finding beauty in that. I can honestly say, that I can look at every person I know, no matter how horrible they may have acted before, or what they did to me or anyone else, I can find at least one thing to look up to in them. Maybe seeing good in people has always been my problem and the reason why I always get so screwed, but as I said, the people who screw you over are in the end the most insecure of them all, and are probably spending days and weeks trying to plot some kind of revenge...

Until next crazy thought comes to mind,
Darja

The wedding....

I hear stories all the time, of little girls imagining what their wedding day would be like. Where they would want it, how many people would be there, what colors they want, what kind of dress they would wear... It has never occurred to me until now, that I have literally NEVER thought about what I would want on my wedding day...

So let me take a couple of moments and actually think about this... I think I would want a small wedding, nothing too huge. Family and really close friends. I would like it to be somewhere warm I guess. I would like it to probably be in a tent, or just some pretty place with curtain drapings and really romantic lighting. The colors I really don't know what I would want. My dress I have no idea what I would want... The music would be tricky especially if I marry and American man... the whole thing would be sooooo confusing.. and then there would be flowers, and invitations, and pictures, and cakes...

OK, I am starting to get myself scared now. I don't think I ever want to get married. Whatever happened to going to the court house and signing the papers? I'm down!

Gosh, I am just SOOO GIRLIE... sarcasm there if you haven't noticed... I am officially going nut case,
Loveee,
Darja

Morals...

Okay, I understand what age we live in and maybe, I don't know how this could be, but MAYBE I am just old fashioned.... but

Most of my friends are from all over the world, and I mean ALL over (Serbian, Cambodian, Ethiopian, Middle Eastern, Somalian, Chines, Japanese, Persian, French, English...) and most of them have pretty good moral backgrounds. I am sorry, but for most, and I am not saying all,  people who grew up in the United States, what happened to your morals??

Honestly, coming from a different country into this one, is one hell of a trip. Here, people can't WAIT to stab you in the back, to hurt you, to be better then you, to do anything they can do to make your life.... WORSE?!.. I am at a loss for words at some things I see when we go out... Girls going home with guys that they just met?? umm wtf? People getting drunk and waisted every singe night?? Best friends getting into brutal fights and never speaking again ( what kind of "friends" were you in the first place?) Guys having absolutely NO respect for any girl that walks by? People getting divorced after 10 years of marriage because someone didn't pay a bill on time? People cheating on each other, lying, all the drugs, all the psychos, all the insane things happening... I can't be the only one that is weirded out by this!!!

Our society is literally based on nothing but lies. Even when you go to a store and try to buy something, look at the tricky ways people try to sell it to you. Everyone is so SELFISH, only looking out only for themselves. Look at how corporations are built, who benefits from them, who gets screwed. Look at all the Internet fraud, all the bank robberies, all the murders for no reason, all the child abuse, just everything!!!

What happened to relationships? What happened to actually respecting anther person for who they are, having compassion, being there for somebody because they NEED you not because it looks good and because you have nothing better to do. What happened to offering a helping hand to a random person, instead of looking at them and judging them on every single flaw they have, as if you don't have your own... What happened to people respecting themselves, knowing and being confident in what they deserve?

This society is so fucked up, it is more likely that a married couple will get divorced and then get re-married after a month to someone else, then it is for people stay together and work through their problems. It is more likely that you will get cheated on and treated like dirt in your relationships then to be respected and loved for who you are. It is more likely that you will get your life ruined by drugs and alcohol and all the other things, then it is for you to become successful. It just drives me absolutely mad to see all of these things start becoming the "norm", and to feel like I am the outsider because none of it makes sense to me...

I just had to get that off my chest...
Darja

Friendships....

I really do have the most amazing friends in this world!!!

Anyways this post got triggered by certain events last night,

I was sitting at Sherrie's with all my closest friends. One of them, as usual had to put me on the spot and asked a whole bunch of questions about what has been going on lately, how I am surviving and every other personal thing I did not want to talk about. And in a way, I almost felt uncomfortable... It wasn't because I don't share things with my friends or because I don't like being honest, it is because every single one of those friends has given me such good advice over the years and in a situation where I really got hurt, I choose to ignore it. I almost felt embarrassed. It is sad to say that sometimes friends know you better then you know yourself, and can see ways to make you happy better then you can. I am truly blessed because I know that every single friend that I have in my life, only wants the best for me. And it is so amazing to know that you always have someone out there who has your back no matter how stupid you get. For some reason, I feel like we always ask advice in our friends when we already know what we should do, but we just need someone to confirm it. I have built up a lot of walls and don't ever want to get hurt again, and I have clung onto my friends to help me through, and they have done such an amazing job of finding new and exciting ways of keeping me happy. It varies everywhere from making me laugh, taking me out, feeding my with the best foods known to men, making me dance, relax, and even sit still for a second, to watching me cry and giving me hugs, listening to me bitch, whine and scream and just being present every step of the way. I just can't say enough about how much I love and appreciate every single one of them and how much happiness each of them adds to my life every day... 

Wow, I am so cheezy but I just had to get it out there
 
Much love,
Darja

Forgivness....

Most days I sit alone and take out all the anger out on myself. What for?

I look at people, and only see the good, I listen to the words and believe every one of them, I pray that they are what they seem and what they claim, but do I believe any of it anymore? I do not. At the end of the day words are only empty promises unless they are supported by actions, yet they can cut as deep as a knife. I am tired of giving, yet I don't think I will ever be ready to take.

Forgiveness? Is it really possible and if so to what extent? When you are in pain, and you know exactly why and because of who, how do you gain the strength to forgive? By forgiving yourself and people around you, you learn to grow and you rid yourself of all the negative things that have happened in the past, and you move forward.

So here it is, I forgive it all, not because I think it is the right thing to do, but because I need to do it to take the power away from you and feel normal again.

And to finish it off, I found a quote that I have fallen madly in love with...

"If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will protect upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else."

Darja

Dreams..

What are dreams? They last only a second and are filled with great depths, our deepest emotions and are segways between our soul to our true life. Dreams are always trying to help us realize what is bothering us and making us aware of the things we push aside every day that we are awake. In our dreams, those emotions come to life.

 I woke up this morning exhausted from dreaming, from roaming the empty dark streets of the unknown town and constantly loosing my way. Am I really this lost in real life? Everything and everyone around me is changing and I wish I could just remain the same. I am loosing a lot, but gaining so much more along the way and I need to know that this is enough. I wish it was easier to just sit down and figure out what the next step is, and I wish my emotions weren't so hot and cold at all times pushing most people who care about me away. I most of all wish that all my walls didn't go up so high because I have no way to get them back down for now. I am sure that they will slowly melt away with time. And why is it that in the middle of all the mess, and in the mist of all my confusion, something amazing has to happen? How do you find out a way to hold on to the amazigness and figure out your own life out along the way?

I, most of all, hate that I am such a planner. If I could, I would put my whole year in a planner, written in pen so nobody can change it. But things just don't work that way. We don't even know that tomorrow will come, so we have to learn to do our best today. I just wish this simple task wasn't so hard for me at the moment.

I am still trying to figure it all out, but I guess until then I will roam the empty dark streets of my dreams, until one day the sun comes out again and I find my way to happiness. By then, I pray and hope that everything else remains the same.

With great love,
Darja

What if...

Main question most of us ask every single day is "What if...?".. What if I had a better job, what if I was born in a different family, what if I had what he/she has, the possibilities are endless. Lately, for me most of the what ifs have involved only one person. What if I had chosen better, and what if I had seen where it would all end up and how I would feel? Although the last thing I want my blog to end up being about is relationships, it has been the main subject occupying my mind in the past week, so I will write it down just to get it off my chest.

Getting out of a bad relationship is hard, people tear down your walls, get inside your head and even worse, your heart, and for some reason decide to just destroy you as a person. You are left with nothing other then yourself and the memories of all the good times, of which there were only a few. For me, it has been a constant struggle trying to get out but getting sucked back in with nothing more then empty promises and most of all lies. But when you really love somebody you try to help them become a better person, and the last thing you want to do is leave them when they are vulnerable. In all of this mess, where does "YOU" go.

See, in most relationships we focus so much on the other person and being there for them, we end up lost and forgotten. Trying to remember where I was before it all started is almost impossible for me now, and I guess in a way it doesn't matter who I was then, who am I now? Why is it that we let another person affect us in this way, why do we willingly give them the power to get us lost? IF only I had seen it sooner, and those times when I did, what did I ignore it?

I have been going in endless circles with this whole situation, I have been on an emotional rolercoster and back, and I have been staying strong in order to find ME again. I may be a little different then most people around me, and maybe a little more emotional and forgiving, but I find those to be my good traits and wouldn't change them for the world. If only I could stop wondering about what if he actually changes, and what if he actually turns into the man I had imagined (yes imagined) him to be, and finally I came to my conclusion. The answer to all my question is: the past really doesn't matter anymore...

When you come to crossroads of your life you end up finding a peice of yourself. You can either turn around and go back to the same old thing, that wouldn't bring you to this crossroad in the first place if it was right, or you can gain the strength and pick a new road, find a new experience, stand strong and only look ahead. Everything that has happened, has happened in order for us to get to where we are now, there is a reason for every tear you cry, there is a reason for every joke you hear, and there is a reason why some people were there only to hurt you. Life is not about failures because really there are none. It is all lessons that make you who you are meant to be. Every single thing we have in our lives is there by our choice. I want to believe that I will always make the right one, and the only thing I can hope for is that the person I am with will do the same.

Thank you God for giving me the strength to finally find ME again,

Goodnight and sweet dreams,
Darja