Insecurities....

I have always been secure in knowing who I am, but I have noticed that a little of it has been slipping away. I let a lot of things people do or say affect me in a negative way. I have never been the one to just "brush it" all away. I linger and hold on to every word that hurts me until my fingers are tired and bleeding from trying so hard to hold on to things that in others peoples realities just don't matter at all. It all matters to me.

As usual, this was triggered by a TV show I watched on self esteem and self worth. One of the hosts of this show said that most people who have insecurities are usually the loudest, most annoying ones in the room, and they are usually the ones that spend a lot of their time putting others down, finding ways to hurt them. It is not because they really hate that person, it is because for the second that they make them feel inferior they feel better about themselves. A lot of people do to others what they are most scared will happen to them. It all makes sense, because the one loud person in the room that screams and says "I don't care what people say (aka saying look at me look at me) all I care about is this and that" are waisting so much time attracting attention to themselves, all because they feel like if they didn't do that, they would get none at all.

It drives me crazy to see how insane the human mind is. We feel things that are "out of our control", we let others tear us down. It is silly to see how much we plot our next moves, what we are going to say, how we are going to act, look, and we become so good at hiding what is actually going on. Until one day, it becomes too much, a person we love leaves, we loose a good friend, and it is never because of things we said, it is almost always because of the things that we DIDN'T say, things that we could have done but DIDN'T do, because in our minds the scenario that we made up of what would have happened if we said those things, are in the end just that, scenarios.

It all comes down to confidence, it all comes down to what do we really know, and how do we feel about ourselves. How secure we are with the person we are. We are constantly as people trying to measure up to something bigger and better, something we in our minds have conceived as perfection.

It is sad to see little girls that have so many issues and problems because of what TV or magazines what them to be. It is sad to see men trying to be that perfect balance between macho manly and sweetly seductive provider because of how high the stakes are. Nobody is perfect, we all say that, we all know that, but why do we always look up to be that PERFECT someone, and become so insecure in what we truly are, instead of finding beauty in that. I can honestly say, that I can look at every person I know, no matter how horrible they may have acted before, or what they did to me or anyone else, I can find at least one thing to look up to in them. Maybe seeing good in people has always been my problem and the reason why I always get so screwed, but as I said, the people who screw you over are in the end the most insecure of them all, and are probably spending days and weeks trying to plot some kind of revenge...

Until next crazy thought comes to mind,
Darja