Vicious Cycles..

My dearest once one and only,

I started to write this book not too long ago, a book of love and
complete happiness, right before all of it came crashing down right on
top of me. Every word, every letter of every single sentence made it
all clear to me. It sounds so silly to me now how much I believed in
all the lies you whispered softly to me which such ease, with no
compassion for my little poor heart that you have already half broken
and once tore apart. And there I was, so big and so strong defending
every word u ever spoke and thinking so highly of the future that
seemed so clear to me at that one point. How I wish I could see it
now. It really hurts me, like thousand stones crushing down at me,
from all the enemies I once thought were ours and how you played your
field so very precise, to the tinniest bit of detail, never once
stopping to think of how you made me feel. It all became too evident to
me the day I heard the sound of it all, the day I realized what you
have really put me through. Something I will never forgive you for.
Its hard you know, feeling this way, and you not being there to hold
me and with your lies whispering all my fears away. For a second, I
have to remind myself that I am still alive, still breathing. It feels
like this big hole has been ripped right through my chest, right above
my stomach causing me to feel sick, on the side of my lungs causing me
to stop breathing and right next to my heart, that I am not even sure
is really there anymore. Nights like these, I have to clench onto my
sides just to make sure to keep myself together, to make sure my
restless body is still in tact. I still sometimes have to stop for a
second and feel my chest just to make sure there is something beating
in there, to make sure I am still here. I still sometimes have to
stand next to a window and breathe deep into it just to make sure it
fogs up from my breath that seems too hard to get out. I still
sometimes have to stand next to a mirror, a hardest one of them all,
and make sure I have not completely waisted all of me on you. And
after all has been said and done, our goodbyes said and our futures
altered, I still congratulate you on how well you played and at least
in something you got first place. And after I make sure I am still
here, beating, breathing and alive, I still wish you no harm ever in
your life that I so perfectly pictured just for us. And so my Dearest,
the book ended just a couple pages too early as the flames that burned
the rest of them are still haunting my every waking hour and every
sleepless night. So goodbye for once and for all, in the end even the
best of us fall.

Your once one and only,
Me