My dearest once one and only,
I started to write this book not too long ago, a book of love and
complete happiness, right before all of it came crashing down right on
top of me. Every word, every letter of every single sentence made it
all clear to me. It sounds so silly to me now how much I believed in
all the lies you whispered softly to me which such ease, with no
compassion for my little poor heart that you have already half broken
and once tore apart. And there I was, so big and so strong defending
every word u ever spoke and thinking so highly of the future that
seemed so clear to me at that one point. How I wish I could see it
now. It really hurts me, like thousand stones crushing down at me,
from all the enemies I once thought were ours and how you played your
field so very precise, to the tinniest bit of detail, never once
stopping to think of how you made me feel. It all became too evident to
me the day I heard the sound of it all, the day I realized what you
have really put me through. Something I will never forgive you for.
Its hard you know, feeling this way, and you not being there to hold
me and with your lies whispering all my fears away. For a second, I
have to remind myself that I am still alive, still breathing. It feels
like this big hole has been ripped right through my chest, right above
my stomach causing me to feel sick, on the side of my lungs causing me
to stop breathing and right next to my heart, that I am not even sure
is really there anymore. Nights like these, I have to clench onto my
sides just to make sure to keep myself together, to make sure my
restless body is still in tact. I still sometimes have to stop for a
second and feel my chest just to make sure there is something beating
in there, to make sure I am still here. I still sometimes have to
stand next to a window and breathe deep into it just to make sure it
fogs up from my breath that seems too hard to get out. I still
sometimes have to stand next to a mirror, a hardest one of them all,
and make sure I have not completely waisted all of me on you. And
after all has been said and done, our goodbyes said and our futures
altered, I still congratulate you on how well you played and at least
in something you got first place. And after I make sure I am still
here, beating, breathing and alive, I still wish you no harm ever in
your life that I so perfectly pictured just for us. And so my Dearest,
the book ended just a couple pages too early as the flames that burned
the rest of them are still haunting my every waking hour and every
sleepless night. So goodbye for once and for all, in the end even the
best of us fall.
Your once one and only,
Me
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Friday, December 24, 2010
Insecurities....
I have always been secure in knowing who I am, but I have noticed that a little of it has been slipping away. I let a lot of things people do or say affect me in a negative way. I have never been the one to just "brush it" all away. I linger and hold on to every word that hurts me until my fingers are tired and bleeding from trying so hard to hold on to things that in others peoples realities just don't matter at all. It all matters to me.
As usual, this was triggered by a TV show I watched on self esteem and self worth. One of the hosts of this show said that most people who have insecurities are usually the loudest, most annoying ones in the room, and they are usually the ones that spend a lot of their time putting others down, finding ways to hurt them. It is not because they really hate that person, it is because for the second that they make them feel inferior they feel better about themselves. A lot of people do to others what they are most scared will happen to them. It all makes sense, because the one loud person in the room that screams and says "I don't care what people say (aka saying look at me look at me) all I care about is this and that" are waisting so much time attracting attention to themselves, all because they feel like if they didn't do that, they would get none at all.
It drives me crazy to see how insane the human mind is. We feel things that are "out of our control", we let others tear us down. It is silly to see how much we plot our next moves, what we are going to say, how we are going to act, look, and we become so good at hiding what is actually going on. Until one day, it becomes too much, a person we love leaves, we loose a good friend, and it is never because of things we said, it is almost always because of the things that we DIDN'T say, things that we could have done but DIDN'T do, because in our minds the scenario that we made up of what would have happened if we said those things, are in the end just that, scenarios.
It all comes down to confidence, it all comes down to what do we really know, and how do we feel about ourselves. How secure we are with the person we are. We are constantly as people trying to measure up to something bigger and better, something we in our minds have conceived as perfection.
It is sad to see little girls that have so many issues and problems because of what TV or magazines what them to be. It is sad to see men trying to be that perfect balance between macho manly and sweetly seductive provider because of how high the stakes are. Nobody is perfect, we all say that, we all know that, but why do we always look up to be that PERFECT someone, and become so insecure in what we truly are, instead of finding beauty in that. I can honestly say, that I can look at every person I know, no matter how horrible they may have acted before, or what they did to me or anyone else, I can find at least one thing to look up to in them. Maybe seeing good in people has always been my problem and the reason why I always get so screwed, but as I said, the people who screw you over are in the end the most insecure of them all, and are probably spending days and weeks trying to plot some kind of revenge...
Until next crazy thought comes to mind,
Darja
As usual, this was triggered by a TV show I watched on self esteem and self worth. One of the hosts of this show said that most people who have insecurities are usually the loudest, most annoying ones in the room, and they are usually the ones that spend a lot of their time putting others down, finding ways to hurt them. It is not because they really hate that person, it is because for the second that they make them feel inferior they feel better about themselves. A lot of people do to others what they are most scared will happen to them. It all makes sense, because the one loud person in the room that screams and says "I don't care what people say (aka saying look at me look at me) all I care about is this and that" are waisting so much time attracting attention to themselves, all because they feel like if they didn't do that, they would get none at all.
It drives me crazy to see how insane the human mind is. We feel things that are "out of our control", we let others tear us down. It is silly to see how much we plot our next moves, what we are going to say, how we are going to act, look, and we become so good at hiding what is actually going on. Until one day, it becomes too much, a person we love leaves, we loose a good friend, and it is never because of things we said, it is almost always because of the things that we DIDN'T say, things that we could have done but DIDN'T do, because in our minds the scenario that we made up of what would have happened if we said those things, are in the end just that, scenarios.
It all comes down to confidence, it all comes down to what do we really know, and how do we feel about ourselves. How secure we are with the person we are. We are constantly as people trying to measure up to something bigger and better, something we in our minds have conceived as perfection.
It is sad to see little girls that have so many issues and problems because of what TV or magazines what them to be. It is sad to see men trying to be that perfect balance between macho manly and sweetly seductive provider because of how high the stakes are. Nobody is perfect, we all say that, we all know that, but why do we always look up to be that PERFECT someone, and become so insecure in what we truly are, instead of finding beauty in that. I can honestly say, that I can look at every person I know, no matter how horrible they may have acted before, or what they did to me or anyone else, I can find at least one thing to look up to in them. Maybe seeing good in people has always been my problem and the reason why I always get so screwed, but as I said, the people who screw you over are in the end the most insecure of them all, and are probably spending days and weeks trying to plot some kind of revenge...
Until next crazy thought comes to mind,
Darja
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
The wedding....
I hear stories all the time, of little girls imagining what their wedding day would be like. Where they would want it, how many people would be there, what colors they want, what kind of dress they would wear... It has never occurred to me until now, that I have literally NEVER thought about what I would want on my wedding day...
So let me take a couple of moments and actually think about this... I think I would want a small wedding, nothing too huge. Family and really close friends. I would like it to be somewhere warm I guess. I would like it to probably be in a tent, or just some pretty place with curtain drapings and really romantic lighting. The colors I really don't know what I would want. My dress I have no idea what I would want... The music would be tricky especially if I marry and American man... the whole thing would be sooooo confusing.. and then there would be flowers, and invitations, and pictures, and cakes...
OK, I am starting to get myself scared now. I don't think I ever want to get married. Whatever happened to going to the court house and signing the papers? I'm down!
Gosh, I am just SOOO GIRLIE... sarcasm there if you haven't noticed... I am officially going nut case,
Loveee,
Darja
So let me take a couple of moments and actually think about this... I think I would want a small wedding, nothing too huge. Family and really close friends. I would like it to be somewhere warm I guess. I would like it to probably be in a tent, or just some pretty place with curtain drapings and really romantic lighting. The colors I really don't know what I would want. My dress I have no idea what I would want... The music would be tricky especially if I marry and American man... the whole thing would be sooooo confusing.. and then there would be flowers, and invitations, and pictures, and cakes...
OK, I am starting to get myself scared now. I don't think I ever want to get married. Whatever happened to going to the court house and signing the papers? I'm down!
Gosh, I am just SOOO GIRLIE... sarcasm there if you haven't noticed... I am officially going nut case,
Loveee,
Darja
Monday, December 20, 2010
Morals...
Okay, I understand what age we live in and maybe, I don't know how this could be, but MAYBE I am just old fashioned.... but
Most of my friends are from all over the world, and I mean ALL over (Serbian, Cambodian, Ethiopian, Middle Eastern, Somalian, Chines, Japanese, Persian, French, English...) and most of them have pretty good moral backgrounds. I am sorry, but for most, and I am not saying all, people who grew up in the United States, what happened to your morals??
Honestly, coming from a different country into this one, is one hell of a trip. Here, people can't WAIT to stab you in the back, to hurt you, to be better then you, to do anything they can do to make your life.... WORSE?!.. I am at a loss for words at some things I see when we go out... Girls going home with guys that they just met?? umm wtf? People getting drunk and waisted every singe night?? Best friends getting into brutal fights and never speaking again ( what kind of "friends" were you in the first place?) Guys having absolutely NO respect for any girl that walks by? People getting divorced after 10 years of marriage because someone didn't pay a bill on time? People cheating on each other, lying, all the drugs, all the psychos, all the insane things happening... I can't be the only one that is weirded out by this!!!
Our society is literally based on nothing but lies. Even when you go to a store and try to buy something, look at the tricky ways people try to sell it to you. Everyone is so SELFISH, only looking out only for themselves. Look at how corporations are built, who benefits from them, who gets screwed. Look at all the Internet fraud, all the bank robberies, all the murders for no reason, all the child abuse, just everything!!!
What happened to relationships? What happened to actually respecting anther person for who they are, having compassion, being there for somebody because they NEED you not because it looks good and because you have nothing better to do. What happened to offering a helping hand to a random person, instead of looking at them and judging them on every single flaw they have, as if you don't have your own... What happened to people respecting themselves, knowing and being confident in what they deserve?
This society is so fucked up, it is more likely that a married couple will get divorced and then get re-married after a month to someone else, then it is for people stay together and work through their problems. It is more likely that you will get cheated on and treated like dirt in your relationships then to be respected and loved for who you are. It is more likely that you will get your life ruined by drugs and alcohol and all the other things, then it is for you to become successful. It just drives me absolutely mad to see all of these things start becoming the "norm", and to feel like I am the outsider because none of it makes sense to me...
I just had to get that off my chest...
Darja
Most of my friends are from all over the world, and I mean ALL over (Serbian, Cambodian, Ethiopian, Middle Eastern, Somalian, Chines, Japanese, Persian, French, English...) and most of them have pretty good moral backgrounds. I am sorry, but for most, and I am not saying all, people who grew up in the United States, what happened to your morals??
Honestly, coming from a different country into this one, is one hell of a trip. Here, people can't WAIT to stab you in the back, to hurt you, to be better then you, to do anything they can do to make your life.... WORSE?!.. I am at a loss for words at some things I see when we go out... Girls going home with guys that they just met?? umm wtf? People getting drunk and waisted every singe night?? Best friends getting into brutal fights and never speaking again ( what kind of "friends" were you in the first place?) Guys having absolutely NO respect for any girl that walks by? People getting divorced after 10 years of marriage because someone didn't pay a bill on time? People cheating on each other, lying, all the drugs, all the psychos, all the insane things happening... I can't be the only one that is weirded out by this!!!
Our society is literally based on nothing but lies. Even when you go to a store and try to buy something, look at the tricky ways people try to sell it to you. Everyone is so SELFISH, only looking out only for themselves. Look at how corporations are built, who benefits from them, who gets screwed. Look at all the Internet fraud, all the bank robberies, all the murders for no reason, all the child abuse, just everything!!!
What happened to relationships? What happened to actually respecting anther person for who they are, having compassion, being there for somebody because they NEED you not because it looks good and because you have nothing better to do. What happened to offering a helping hand to a random person, instead of looking at them and judging them on every single flaw they have, as if you don't have your own... What happened to people respecting themselves, knowing and being confident in what they deserve?
This society is so fucked up, it is more likely that a married couple will get divorced and then get re-married after a month to someone else, then it is for people stay together and work through their problems. It is more likely that you will get cheated on and treated like dirt in your relationships then to be respected and loved for who you are. It is more likely that you will get your life ruined by drugs and alcohol and all the other things, then it is for you to become successful. It just drives me absolutely mad to see all of these things start becoming the "norm", and to feel like I am the outsider because none of it makes sense to me...
I just had to get that off my chest...
Darja
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Friendships....
I really do have the most amazing friends in this world!!!
Anyways this post got triggered by certain events last night,
I was sitting at Sherrie's with all my closest friends. One of them, as usual had to put me on the spot and asked a whole bunch of questions about what has been going on lately, how I am surviving and every other personal thing I did not want to talk about. And in a way, I almost felt uncomfortable... It wasn't because I don't share things with my friends or because I don't like being honest, it is because every single one of those friends has given me such good advice over the years and in a situation where I really got hurt, I choose to ignore it. I almost felt embarrassed. It is sad to say that sometimes friends know you better then you know yourself, and can see ways to make you happy better then you can. I am truly blessed because I know that every single friend that I have in my life, only wants the best for me. And it is so amazing to know that you always have someone out there who has your back no matter how stupid you get. For some reason, I feel like we always ask advice in our friends when we already know what we should do, but we just need someone to confirm it. I have built up a lot of walls and don't ever want to get hurt again, and I have clung onto my friends to help me through, and they have done such an amazing job of finding new and exciting ways of keeping me happy. It varies everywhere from making me laugh, taking me out, feeding my with the best foods known to men, making me dance, relax, and even sit still for a second, to watching me cry and giving me hugs, listening to me bitch, whine and scream and just being present every step of the way. I just can't say enough about how much I love and appreciate every single one of them and how much happiness each of them adds to my life every day...
Wow, I am so cheezy but I just had to get it out there
Much love,
Darja
Anyways this post got triggered by certain events last night,
I was sitting at Sherrie's with all my closest friends. One of them, as usual had to put me on the spot and asked a whole bunch of questions about what has been going on lately, how I am surviving and every other personal thing I did not want to talk about. And in a way, I almost felt uncomfortable... It wasn't because I don't share things with my friends or because I don't like being honest, it is because every single one of those friends has given me such good advice over the years and in a situation where I really got hurt, I choose to ignore it. I almost felt embarrassed. It is sad to say that sometimes friends know you better then you know yourself, and can see ways to make you happy better then you can. I am truly blessed because I know that every single friend that I have in my life, only wants the best for me. And it is so amazing to know that you always have someone out there who has your back no matter how stupid you get. For some reason, I feel like we always ask advice in our friends when we already know what we should do, but we just need someone to confirm it. I have built up a lot of walls and don't ever want to get hurt again, and I have clung onto my friends to help me through, and they have done such an amazing job of finding new and exciting ways of keeping me happy. It varies everywhere from making me laugh, taking me out, feeding my with the best foods known to men, making me dance, relax, and even sit still for a second, to watching me cry and giving me hugs, listening to me bitch, whine and scream and just being present every step of the way. I just can't say enough about how much I love and appreciate every single one of them and how much happiness each of them adds to my life every day...
Wow, I am so cheezy but I just had to get it out there
Much love,
Darja
Friday, December 10, 2010
Forgivness....
Most days I sit alone and take out all the anger out on myself. What for?
I look at people, and only see the good, I listen to the words and believe every one of them, I pray that they are what they seem and what they claim, but do I believe any of it anymore? I do not. At the end of the day words are only empty promises unless they are supported by actions, yet they can cut as deep as a knife. I am tired of giving, yet I don't think I will ever be ready to take.
Forgiveness? Is it really possible and if so to what extent? When you are in pain, and you know exactly why and because of who, how do you gain the strength to forgive? By forgiving yourself and people around you, you learn to grow and you rid yourself of all the negative things that have happened in the past, and you move forward.
So here it is, I forgive it all, not because I think it is the right thing to do, but because I need to do it to take the power away from you and feel normal again.
And to finish it off, I found a quote that I have fallen madly in love with...
"If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will protect upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else."
Darja
I look at people, and only see the good, I listen to the words and believe every one of them, I pray that they are what they seem and what they claim, but do I believe any of it anymore? I do not. At the end of the day words are only empty promises unless they are supported by actions, yet they can cut as deep as a knife. I am tired of giving, yet I don't think I will ever be ready to take.
Forgiveness? Is it really possible and if so to what extent? When you are in pain, and you know exactly why and because of who, how do you gain the strength to forgive? By forgiving yourself and people around you, you learn to grow and you rid yourself of all the negative things that have happened in the past, and you move forward.
So here it is, I forgive it all, not because I think it is the right thing to do, but because I need to do it to take the power away from you and feel normal again.
And to finish it off, I found a quote that I have fallen madly in love with...
"If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will protect upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else."
Darja
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