What if...

Main question most of us ask every single day is "What if...?".. What if I had a better job, what if I was born in a different family, what if I had what he/she has, the possibilities are endless. Lately, for me most of the what ifs have involved only one person. What if I had chosen better, and what if I had seen where it would all end up and how I would feel? Although the last thing I want my blog to end up being about is relationships, it has been the main subject occupying my mind in the past week, so I will write it down just to get it off my chest.

Getting out of a bad relationship is hard, people tear down your walls, get inside your head and even worse, your heart, and for some reason decide to just destroy you as a person. You are left with nothing other then yourself and the memories of all the good times, of which there were only a few. For me, it has been a constant struggle trying to get out but getting sucked back in with nothing more then empty promises and most of all lies. But when you really love somebody you try to help them become a better person, and the last thing you want to do is leave them when they are vulnerable. In all of this mess, where does "YOU" go.

See, in most relationships we focus so much on the other person and being there for them, we end up lost and forgotten. Trying to remember where I was before it all started is almost impossible for me now, and I guess in a way it doesn't matter who I was then, who am I now? Why is it that we let another person affect us in this way, why do we willingly give them the power to get us lost? IF only I had seen it sooner, and those times when I did, what did I ignore it?

I have been going in endless circles with this whole situation, I have been on an emotional rolercoster and back, and I have been staying strong in order to find ME again. I may be a little different then most people around me, and maybe a little more emotional and forgiving, but I find those to be my good traits and wouldn't change them for the world. If only I could stop wondering about what if he actually changes, and what if he actually turns into the man I had imagined (yes imagined) him to be, and finally I came to my conclusion. The answer to all my question is: the past really doesn't matter anymore...

When you come to crossroads of your life you end up finding a peice of yourself. You can either turn around and go back to the same old thing, that wouldn't bring you to this crossroad in the first place if it was right, or you can gain the strength and pick a new road, find a new experience, stand strong and only look ahead. Everything that has happened, has happened in order for us to get to where we are now, there is a reason for every tear you cry, there is a reason for every joke you hear, and there is a reason why some people were there only to hurt you. Life is not about failures because really there are none. It is all lessons that make you who you are meant to be. Every single thing we have in our lives is there by our choice. I want to believe that I will always make the right one, and the only thing I can hope for is that the person I am with will do the same.

Thank you God for giving me the strength to finally find ME again,

Goodnight and sweet dreams,
Darja